Public Transportation 101: How Not to Look Like a Douchebag When Taking Public Transportation in the Philippines
Disclaimer: The author lives in the idyllic city of Iloilo where
traffic isn’t as bad as Manila and no MRT lines exist. We do have plenty of tricycles,
buses, and pedicabs. A lot of effort was put into writing everything in
English. For an unadulterated Ilonggish (Ilonggo and English) version, please
contact the author. I swear, the mixed version is better than the English one.
Men
1.
Before taking the jeep, bus, or trike, please
refrain from showering in your favorite generic cologne. What may smell good to
you may smell like hell to everybody else. Do not be that person that everybody
can smell (even the person located at the very back of the jeep or bus) even
when you are seated behind the driver. We do not care if you paid P150 for your
cologne – a nice scent is a matter of taste. Your vitriolic smell may seem like
heaven to you, but hell for the rest of us. Please do not be that person that
everybody can smell from 5 feet away. Your scent must be subtle like the ocean
breeze and not elicit responses like the expletives that often come out of
people’s mouths whenever they pass by Smokey Mountain[1]
in Mandurriao[2].
2.
Manspreading has never given people the
impression that you have a big dick. The average Asian man has a dick less than
5 inches long so don’t act like you are Mandingo[3]
when you’re closer to George Estregan Sr[4].
Before getting on a jeep, adjust your package. We all know that balls need air
and space, but if you need space enough for another person, ride a taxi or ride
on the roof of the jeep. You have all the space you need up there, plus it will
make you feel as if you’re on a magic carpet ride sans Princess Jasmine.
3.
Your seatmate is not a towel. Please be
considerate enough to distance your body from other people when you are
dripping wet.
Women
1.
Your hair is inedible. When ingested, hair
cannot be digested by the human body. Ever heard of Trichophagia[1]?
No? Look it up. Nobody wants that to happen to them. Like, ever. Keep your hair
to yourself because most passengers have hair of their own, and having long
luscious locks is not an excuse to act like you are the star of a Beyonce music
video. People do not enjoy having other people’s hair in their face, let alone
their mouths. So unless you would like to get off the jeep with your hair cut
off like Rapunzel (or Samson), please keep your hair to yourself. Hair ties are
relatively inexpensive (lastiko[2]
comes free when you buy at the wet market and works just as well as those
scrunchies you buy at SM City), so invest in them. Other passengers do not care
if you just had your hair rebonded or you were voted Best in Hair during your
company acquaintance party. You just might have the misfortune of sitting
beside someone who always carries a pair of scissors with them and end up
looking like Basha with the ugly wig. In all of her movies with Popoy.
2.
What is the point in brushing your hair inside
an open moving vehicle? The wind is just going to mess up your hair again. And
do you have any idea just how dirty human hair is even when it’s freshly
washed? No? Let me paint you a picture then. Most of the parasites in your hair
are MICROSCOPIC. Yes. Very, very tiny. So tiny that you would need a microscope
to see them. When you brush your hair in public beside other people, you are
basically giving them your parasites. We already have too many parasites and we
certainly don’t need yours. And there’s the fact that air tends to mess up your
hair, so brushing it inside a moving vehicle is an exercise in futility.
3.
Do a test run with your skirt before you get on
any form of public transportation. I cannot count the number of times I have
been flashed by women wearing short skirts. I understand that skirts are part
of the lives of most Filipinas who either wear them as part of their school or
office uniform. If you have a bag or folder/envelope with you, place it on your
lap to avoid showing off your cotton-covered hoo-ha. You might argue that
people shouldn’t be staring at other people’s crotches, but did you listen to
your mother when she told you to take you afternoon siesta during summer break?
Same concept. And let’s be honest, there are a lot of perverts out there who
get off on that stuff.
4.
The space beside you is not for your fake Louis
Vuitton bag. Nor is it for your groceries. So unless you’re going to pay for
the space, your bag belongs on your lap or on the floor. Seats are for people
and not for counterfeit leather bags.
5.
Applying makeup inside a jeep or bus should be
on your list of things to avoid. Unless you’re a magician performing a magic
trick. I cringe every time I see a woman (and sometimes, men) try to apply
eyeliner on their eyelids. The pointed tip of an eyeliner pencil slowly heading
towards someone’s eye never fails to make a say a little prayer to sweet Baby
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph asking them to guide the driver in avoiding all
potholes.
6.
Chivalry is mostly dead when taking public
transportation. At the end of the day, everybody just wants to go home to a hot
meal and a warm shower. So if you think that a man is going to give way when it
comes to getting a seat on that very crowded jeep, you’re living in the wrong
era. Take the case of MRT Girl. You know, the girl who took a picture of the
tired looking guy who dared to stay seated when she, a woman, was standing in
front of him. The same girl who had the balls to post the picture on social
media with a caption that more or less screamed, “I’m an entitled brat!” So
remember, when it’s time to go home, you’re not the only who’s tired and has had
a long day. Everybody feels the same way. Channel your inner Dennis Rodman and
get ready to box everybody out because there is no way in hell that the person
behind you is going to get on that jeep before you.
To be continued.
[1]
Compulsive eating of hair associated with compulsive hair pulling
(Trichotillomania)
[2]
Rubber band
[1]
Smokey Mountain – Iloilo City’s main dump site. Not Geneva Cruz’s singing group
[2]
One of the 5 districts of Iloilo City
[3]
Mandingo – legendary American pornographic actor
[4]
George Estregan Sr – Filipino actor who dabbled in soft core pornography before
I was born. Also, former president Erap Estrada’s cousin. Also father of George
Estregan Jr. aka ER Ejercito aka Boy Golden.
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